2014 Grand Cherokee SRT - A Jalopnik Hack's Review...

"RikVan" (rikvanegdom) 06/17/2014 at 10:36 • Filed to: None

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Alright everyone... I'm fairly active all over the inter webs but some unknown reason I haven't spent much time here as a Jalop or on Oppo. I've decided to attempt my hand at a review regarding my 2014 SRT Cherokee (note, it's not an SRT8, SRT wants everyone to know this). To start, some history on my addiction to cars, problems with scotch and general petrol head problems.

Me:

I'm a 29 year old business owner who works from home and has too much time to ponder the inadequacies of my garage. I work too much, travel just enough (not enough for pleasure mind you) and spend more time on car blogs and forums than any grown man should. My current stable includes a 2008 Evolution MR that is undergoing a transformation from mild mannered econo-bucket-with-a-turbo to econo-bucket-nightmare-with-a-turbo and this wonderful little thing called a Cherokee SRT.

In the past I've had lifted JK's, another Evo, 2 Harley Davidsons, countless crappy cars, a 79 Camaro which I fibreglassed a portion of the unibody/frame rail back together to pass an inspection... Also had a 71 VW Westfalia which I outfitted with new shag and a stereo that I stole from my parents' living room.

Aside from attempting to keep a business afloat and wasting every spare penny I have on automotive crap I also have an admiration for fine Scotch Whiskey. It's a pretty common site to see me in the garage with a Coors Light in one hand and a glass of Balvenie in the other. Moments like those make it very difficult to work on vehicles as I don't have enough hands, more on that at a later date though.

So to recap the first part of this hack job online written prose orgy I'm a borderline booze hound car guy that works too much and should probably be saving for retirement instead of buying fast cars and getting drunk.

The Truck, 2014 Cherokee SRT, Heaven, Hell, Everything In Between.

Why was this thing ever built? That's the first question anyone and everyone asks. I have no idea why the wonderful men and women at Chrysler decided the world needed something like this amazing truck but I'm sure as hell glad they decided to build it. This truck fits a very specific niche, men who don't understand nor care about global warming and like loud things. You probably also masturbate with sandpaper or will in short order due to the fact that the SRT Cherokee pretty much makes your man card twice the size it used to be. It's a penis extension with loud exhaust and 4 doors and I'm not ashamed to admit it.

Rather than focus on all the pertinent characteristics of the SUV/Truck/Wagon (not sure how to classify it to be honest) I'm going to focus on the things people who would potentially buy this silly vehicle will care about.

Does it fit people inside it?

Yes it does. Fat people, skinny people, women from the bar, men from the hockey game (I'm Canadian, it's what we do), and even children if you must.

Does it get gas mileage?

Yes it does, it uses gas when it goes places. Lots of places, who cares how much it uses though?

Does it have useable space for stuff?

Yup, sure does.

With the useless crap out of the way... What really matters? Why are you buying this thing?

470hp and 465ftlbs... That's why.

The power delivery and sound that the Cherokee SRT makes is fantastic. And seeing as no one leaves fun cars alone, once you add in some Borla goodies it really makes the truck sing. And that's the key with this and other competitors cut from the same cloth - it's all emotion. I don't care about how many people it fits or how far it can go in economy mode - I care about how it makes me feel. Do I get SRT wood every time I hit the start button? Yup, still do.

The interior quality is about 10000000% better than anything else I've driven from the Chrysler group in the past decade. I honestly prefer it to that of a Cayenne GTS. There's leather, carbon fibre, seats that blow and heat and a touch screen big enough for a 90 yr old man with cataracts to see clearly. The steering wheel feels wonderful and the gas pedal makes loud noises. There are some rattles in the back which I can't quite figure out and the passenger seat creaks a little bit when no one is in it but I don't care about finite details like these... Remember, the gas pedal makes noise...

Performance wise I can equate this wondrous beast to that of a muscle car. In decent weather this winter I was able to push a 4.2 second 0-60 completely stock. Why the hell would an SUV need to do this? I have no idea but I love it. It can also tow 7,000 or so lbs so I can tow my Evo to the track and then beat most of the competition in my tow vehicle... I dunno, that's pretty cool.

It fits my dogs in the back, I can put groceries in it and I have no idea if it will baby.

I don't know how to rate the SRT so let's give it a legit 10/10 if you are the right demographic. It's $40,000 less than comparable Euro Uber SUVs and you don't look like a dink driving it. If you have to ask why it gets 10/10 then you're the wrong person to buy it. If you get it, you get it.

This is probably the single worst review on this site, but what the hell.

Milky > RikVan 06/17/2014 at 10:38

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Slightly misleading title, I came hoping for new cherokee SRT details.

!!! UNKNOWN CONTENT TYPE !!!

mr_gofast > RikVan 06/17/2014 at 10:39

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ahahahha awesome.

yamahog > RikVan 06/17/2014 at 10:40

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Oh, a GRAND Cherokee SRT. Dude, that title made me tilt my head so far it nearly fell off!

PatBateman > RikVan 06/17/2014 at 10:41

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Very nice. One problem, though:

COORS?!?? WTF?!?!?!

Your boy, BJR > RikVan 06/17/2014 at 10:45

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This little mess right here. This makes me hard.

macanamera > PatBateman 06/17/2014 at 10:49

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Animal cruelty.

BigBlock440 > Milky 06/17/2014 at 10:49

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Especially after the "not an SRT8" part, got me all excited for a SRT Cherokee

Brian, The Life of > RikVan 06/17/2014 at 11:00

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Welp, this guy's clearly one of us.

Welcome from all the other grown men who spend entirely too much time on car blogs. Nice write up!

Mustafaluigi > RikVan 06/17/2014 at 11:00

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1. Grand Cherokee

2. Not a truck

3. ?

4. Profit...

Other than that, I want one.

HammerheadFistpunch > RikVan 06/17/2014 at 11:08

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"Grand" cherokee review. big difference.

Mr. Sinister > RikVan 06/17/2014 at 11:12

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Why does it exist? To kick the shit out of the Trailblazer SS, duh!!

RazoE > macanamera 06/17/2014 at 11:12

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Bullshit. My dog used to steal beer cans, bite a hole in the can, and roll on his back with the can in his paws drinking as much as possible before we took it away.

He just wanted to party with the rest of us..:(

Nibbles > Mr. Sinister 06/17/2014 at 11:14

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It apparently did its job too well

spanfucker retire bitch > RikVan 06/17/2014 at 11:17

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Seriously, you need to update your title, especially now that Jeep has once again a new Cherokee model that one can buy. There's quite a big difference between a Grand Cherokee and a Cherokee.

Here I was, hoping you somehow shoehorned a Hemi into a Cherokee and called it an SRT.

Mr. Sinister > Nibbles 06/17/2014 at 11:19

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Unfortunately true. But even today, I see more stupid-fast modded Trailblazers than similarly quick SRT Cherokees. Hell, I see more SS Trailblazers than SRT Cherokees, period.

Maddox Kay > RikVan 06/17/2014 at 11:19

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Welcome and can't wait to hear more about both your awesome cars

Nibbles > Mr. Sinister 06/17/2014 at 11:24

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I've got three TBSSes and three or four (not sure if I'm seeing a duplicate) GC SRTs in my neighborhood. It makes me giddy, slightly frightened and a tad depressed all at the same time.

Of course these new GC SRTs cost about 3/8 of the average house value in my neigborhood too.

RikVan > Milky 06/17/2014 at 11:25

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Balls! I am writing this while sitting at a shop getting some work done to the truck actually. Should think before writing headlines...

Mr. Sinister > Nibbles 06/17/2014 at 11:43

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Good old Detroit, making you pay a huge premium for horsepower.

macanamera > RazoE 06/17/2014 at 11:48

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No, no, the issue was not the beer. The issue was giving a living creature Coors Light.

RazoE > macanamera 06/17/2014 at 12:00

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Me<———————————————————————————————————————>The joke

(it went right over my head...)

RikVan > RikVan 06/17/2014 at 13:06

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Couple quick notes...

Coors FTW... Coors is cheap and tastes like water. A great mix to have when you drink nothing but scotch aside from the Coors. Real beer and 1/2 a bottle of scotch don't mix.

Title is changed. I will take the hate for that one.

Lastly, I have the urge to drink some whiskey right, about, now...

Zoom > RikVan 06/17/2014 at 16:57

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I get it. I approve.